We live our lives with certain ideals, what we know, what we have experienced.
There are things, that shatter those ideals. Encountering a narcissist is one of them.
It was a vulnerable time in my life, but I can’t say that I didn’t see the warning signs. However, my dumb🍑, emphatic heart convinced my smart self, that with the right environment, this man would flourish.
Eventually, realising this wasn’t going to be the case, I started doing some research. A google search here and there, took me on a journey, that educated me on the harsh realities of exactly what it was that I was part of.
I ended up in some narcissism groups. At first I was incensed by the vitriol in these groups. To be fair, I’m still not a fan of it. To me that type of hatred and aggression, borders on abuse, and when you're looking for reason, it feels abrasive.
I remember being able to relate to some of the things people where saying, but thinking, my relationship would be the exception.
I was living in the land of potential.
The groups felt like a clique of like-minded jaded people.
Occasionally, in my naïveté, I’d comment about, mental illness, compassion and patience. Mostly, I was jumped on, sometimes mauled. I was there looking for answers, help, guidance, but what I really needed was a miracle.
I came to realise that most of what the people in the groups, and the articles I was reading were saying, was in-fact spot on. All those cliche terms and labels, were very much a thing. By the end of my relationship, my narcissist ticked all the boxes. I was no longer the innocent victim standing on the edge of the rioting group. I was now a fully fledged protestor, fighting for justice. But sadly, with a narcissist, there is never justice.
You go from not understanding why this is happening, to the realisation that your dream relationship, is actually an abusive relationship. At this point, for many different reasons, people don’t get out. Some even double down in their resolve to make it work, or take on an, it is what it is attitude.
Outsiders, people that are fortunate enough to have only experienced healthy relationships, can’t possibly understand, and that’s a blessing. But they do push the narrative of, I don’t know why you stay, just get out. Which simplistically is the answer. But most people only realise the reality of the situation, well into an established relationship. Getting out, often comes with a whole lot of side issues. But get out, we should.
I acutely remember the transition from innocent person to abuse victim. It took me a very long time however, to admit I was an abuse victim. I remember the depth of my despair. I was looking down on myself, hovering above, like watching the scene from a movie. This desperately broken girl, grasping for a morsels of hope, yet knowing there was none. Still trying to come up with ways to save him. Not yet realising that it was she that needed saving. They were dark times. I don’t know why but that level of heartache, that scene, always looks hauntingly beautiful to me. Maybe it’s the writer in me, the emotions evoked, as raw as they were, they somehow seemed other worldly. Like it was someone else’s story I was watching. The depth of despair I felt for her was soul destroying. I could feel the sobs catching in her throat, taking her breath away. I wanted to tell her everything was going to be ok. However, there wasn't going to be a happy ending, and she wasn’t a character, she was me. It was a strange and surreal type of detachment.
Even though I was deeply entrenched, I still enforced boundaries. They were trampled on many times, but eventually my narcissist was fully exposed and realized I would never just be quiet about it all. He left me, really it was my saving grace. Although at the time I was devastated, begging him to stay. Down the track I felt humiliated at doing that. Actually I was humiliated about a lot of things. One of my biggest regrets is that I apologised to him. He accepted and thanked me. At the time I felt like I was apologising for how I reacted to the abuse. But all I really did was make him feel better about the person he was.
My once bubbly care free spirit had been crushed. My desperation to be loved, wanted and ultimately chosen, had exposed a vulnerability that only further added to the dynamic. In hindsight it’s easy to see how I ended up where I did. I was trauma bonded.
It was my subsequent reading, stumbling across key topics, such as trauma bonding and co-dependency that actually saved me. It’s one thing to read about narcissism, their traits etc. But it’s another to read about the fallout and your traits, the things that you go through. The toxic behaviour you pick up. To see them in words and to fit them to a t, is empowering. You finally get it, you finally understand why you tolerated what you did. It then becomes about you, your struggle. Your healing, your journey, back to you. The only thing is, old you no longer exists. You can’t go through something like that and not be, changed - traumatised.
It’s not a normal break up. You don’t just part ways, move on and heal. Each time you feel you are making progress, they reopen the wounds and pour salt in.
Complete no contact is the only way forward. For some people that’s not possible. Fortunately for me it was. To this day 5 years later, he still tries to contact me. I have never replied, he had to become dead to me.
Part of picking up my pieces was realising who I had become in the relationship. When you live on a battle field, you pick up bad habits. I won’t lie. There was reactive abuse on my part. A couple of times I smacked him back, once I even smacked him because of his words. I’m not proud of fighting back. Sure sometimes you are just protecting yourself, but I allowed myself to be in that situation. I’m fortunate that the physical abuse only happened half a dozen times. Each time worse than the last, it wasn’t hard to know how it would end.
So part of the healing process is coming to terms with how you reacted in the relationship. I no longer interact with anyone that has the potential to bring that part of me out. I am still triggered, by certain things. But I am also able to recognise why and be accountable.
When you come out of that type of a relationship, you would think that you could never be fooled like that again. But it is actually when your are most vulnerable. You look for the opposite of what you just experienced. Or in some cases it’s all you know, and repeat the patterns. The next person I met was a covert narcissist. A beautiful soul with a gentle heart, or so I thought, and I was a perfect target. Luckily it was just an internet thing, so it never really went anywhere. But the emotional damage was just as real. I see it now as an extension of my initial relationship. In a way it got me over it, it replaced the chaos that I was used to, weaned me off it I guess.
You see a lot of quotes about people thinking they can never be replaced, or you’ll never find another love like mine. I’m here to tell you, you will be replaced, and easily. You have probably been replaced before they even leave. As for another love like yours, they are happy to see the back of you. You know too much, you are no longer any use. If they do come back, it's because it’s advantageous to them at that time. You are an option. You are plan b or even c or d. They are opportunists.
For me now, I have the greatest compassion and patience for people just discovering that they are in an abusive relationship. I remember every step of the way. Other peoples words and knowledge helped open my eyes. It's still a process, a path you have to walk for yourself. But it’s the opening of the eyes, that starts that process. The realisation, that you are not crazy, these things are happening.
When I started my page, it was to vent, to express my pain. But I quickly realised my experiences were common. People often contact me or comment, that I probably don’t realise but my page has helped them a lot. I’m not helping them, commonality is, the realisation others understand, that other's have lived it, are living it.
If a quote or a blog, encourages someone, points them in the right direction, or even gives them a glimmer of hope, that’s enough. It was enough for me.
Your words, your interactions, your sharing can often be exactly what another needs to see. It can be the gentle nudge or the harsh push that points them in the right direction.
Ultimately, it was the kindness and harshness of strangers that started my healing journey.
